You need understanding.
In your life there has been many people that
could never seem too comprehend your
personality. Now you have either become an
out-cast because of their narrow minds or you
have adjusted yourself to them, and never
letting them see who you are deep inside. You
now think that no one will ever understand you
and you hate that fact. Though you are scared
of what the effects might be if you would
decide to let someone in so you keep a safe
distance that you both curse and bless.


What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
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Feeling kind of mixed up again. Getting so irritated with myself. Sometimes I just feel so happy out of no reason. Sometimes I force myself to talk and socialise and whatever else. It's so cyclical in a sense. Like, I'm in a good mood, then I suddenly feel so alone, then I suddenly feel so hyper. And I have to try and keep it contained behind the same, aspiring-to-be indifferent face that I have. What else can I do. I can't suddenly express being all happy then sad then dadada all in a short time. It's weird. It's incomprehensible. But what.. I can't just walk around with a black face the whole day..

I find the great irony in wanting something is that, the more you want it, the more it opposes you straight in the face. So is there no point in moving foward towards what you want? Sometimes it may work.. But it comes with a price. How much can be given up for it? Ok whatever. There's no proper link. Everything's all messed up. Yet in a nice, messy organised way.

I hate this life yet I like it. I like the stress. I hate the pressure build-up. I like the fact that there is never any time for me to get bored. I hate it that I still don't do what I should do and end up being bored. Things are so fixed. Yet things are so fluid. Things look bleak. But in bleak times, there are greater opportunities for the light to shine through. My life is in my hands. Yet I control it so little. I'm pushed along with the current but I'm not going with the flow. I stick out like a sore thumb yet I play a part with four more fingers. I know how it works but I don't know how to work it.

Feel so affected over the slightest little things. Just one thing I said and felt so guilty I've been mentally beating myself up after that. I don't know what's gotten into me. Now I realise why I'm feeling so fake and pretentious in school sometimes. It's because I'm just not acting who I want to be. I don't dare to. Just behaving what others are expecting me to. It's so much easier.. I have this issue making noise and over worrying about what people think. So I just keep so painfully quiet but I hate it. Once I open my mouth, I'll be just pulling down the barriers to be judged even more. When I talk, it'll just appear fake. Cuz it'll just look like I'm talking for the sole purpose of gaining another person's liking or whatever and not because I genuinely mean it. But the thing is, I'm not. That's who I naturally am. I'm not the horribly silent type. It depends.. Then if that's the case, then acting myself makes me seem fake and pretentious?

5:46 pm ·