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Bituwin -
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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Wanna find a corner to disappear..
But I find myself in a freakin sphere..
It just won't let me out..
Everybody's just out there talking, chilling..
Wadeva..
I feel like I'm in a different world from everyone else..
From afar, I'm just silently observing.
Much as I want to go and join them, I just can't..
There's something pulling me back..
The worst part is..
I know why..
But I don't know what to do about it..
I feel so fake..
Everything I do is just fake.
But then again, what is ever real?
So every fake thing I do is not so fake after all..
It's just something genuine with some thought added to modify it..
So that it would fit the circumstance..
Circumstances always change..
The only exception is that the change is constant..
That sucks.
When can I be myself again?
Can I ever be myself again?
Who am I in the first place?
Why am I here?
What is the purpose of my existence?
Sometimes I wonder..
How it feels..
Just to stand at the edge of a building..
To take that first step foward..
And then let go.
What goes through such a person's mind while in mid-air?
Would they be remembering the time when they were wondering..
How it would feel..
To stand at the edge of a building..
To take that first step foward..
And to let go..?
But I find myself in a freakin sphere..
It just won't let me out..
Everybody's just out there talking, chilling..
Wadeva..
I feel like I'm in a different world from everyone else..
From afar, I'm just silently observing.
Much as I want to go and join them, I just can't..
There's something pulling me back..
The worst part is..
I know why..
But I don't know what to do about it..
I feel so fake..
Everything I do is just fake.
But then again, what is ever real?
So every fake thing I do is not so fake after all..
It's just something genuine with some thought added to modify it..
So that it would fit the circumstance..
Circumstances always change..
The only exception is that the change is constant..
That sucks.
When can I be myself again?
Can I ever be myself again?
Who am I in the first place?
Why am I here?
What is the purpose of my existence?
Sometimes I wonder..
How it feels..
Just to stand at the edge of a building..
To take that first step foward..
And then let go.
What goes through such a person's mind while in mid-air?
Would they be remembering the time when they were wondering..
How it would feel..
To stand at the edge of a building..
To take that first step foward..
And to let go..?
Friday, August 20, 2004
You have Purple Wings! Lost and Confused, when your
wings are purple, its difficult to see ahead
because the fog is clouding your vision. You
can never decide easily, and even the simplest
choices are difficult to take. A quite, kind
person, you have a very sharp mind and can do
anything if you set your mind to it. But
something probably very sad happened in your
life, and now, you question anything. Lost in
your trance and afraid to peak outside your
box, right now your life is very frustrating.
But, dont forget this very important thing:
Purple is made from blue and red, and with just
a little bit of pushing, you can go back.
What Color are your wings?(Mainly for Girls)Beautiful Pix!
brought to you by Quizilla
Yupz, I've confirmed it.. Whhhaaaaa... Kz.. It's not the end of the world.. But still.. Wadeva wadeva wadeva wadeva.. Shall just drown myself with essays.. Good thing I'm in cj.. since this is the case. They never fail to give lots of essays.. especially during weekends. Then my mind shall be kept busy. Very busy.. Then I won't think about anything else... Oh yea, and exercise too.. The busier the better..
I don't understand..
There was a prayer said this morning..
Something about the emotionally rich..
Then..
It left me thinking..
How do we get to that stage?
What does it mean by emotionally rich?
Does it mean that we show care and concern to everyone?
Heh.. but it's a bit ridiculous.
Some people don't want care and concern.
They see it as a hindrance..
It's as though people are taking pity on them..
Like.. they're weak..
And if you go around showing care and concern to everone..
People either think you're sucking up or you're a busybody..
But if you don't, you are heartless, unfeeling and cold.
Well, in a way, it's respect right?
It's a different way of giving another person their privacy..
So that they won't feel useless..
And that they're in need of someone elses help cuz they can't do it themselves..
Then again, if you don't give help, you don't have initiative..
But what if they think you're looking down on them?
So I guess it's safer to watch from the shadows...
Cuz.. then there's no need to get involved in all these..
Just to be away from it all..
It seems to be a sanctuary within itself..
Yet there's something lacking..
But to find that something lacking, insecurity has to be compromised..
It's a huge compromise..
Cuz.. there's no guarantee that something would be gotten out of it..
And.. things may instead become worse..
So what are we supposed to do?
Well, staying in the shadows doesn't sound too bad..
Alone in this dimensionless abyss,
I find peace.
I don't understand..
There was a prayer said this morning..
Something about the emotionally rich..
Then..
It left me thinking..
How do we get to that stage?
What does it mean by emotionally rich?
Does it mean that we show care and concern to everyone?
Heh.. but it's a bit ridiculous.
Some people don't want care and concern.
They see it as a hindrance..
It's as though people are taking pity on them..
Like.. they're weak..
And if you go around showing care and concern to everone..
People either think you're sucking up or you're a busybody..
But if you don't, you are heartless, unfeeling and cold.
Well, in a way, it's respect right?
It's a different way of giving another person their privacy..
So that they won't feel useless..
And that they're in need of someone elses help cuz they can't do it themselves..
Then again, if you don't give help, you don't have initiative..
But what if they think you're looking down on them?
So I guess it's safer to watch from the shadows...
Cuz.. then there's no need to get involved in all these..
Just to be away from it all..
It seems to be a sanctuary within itself..
Yet there's something lacking..
But to find that something lacking, insecurity has to be compromised..
It's a huge compromise..
Cuz.. there's no guarantee that something would be gotten out of it..
And.. things may instead become worse..
So what are we supposed to do?
Well, staying in the shadows doesn't sound too bad..
Alone in this dimensionless abyss,
I find peace.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
What's with all the tests?!! First it's chinese (memorised everything and forgot one whole chunk of it), next it's gp essay, then it's spa.. after 2 braincell draining ones it's spa!! Think my last question is all screwed up lah.. I was reading the answer in class kz!! Almost the same answer.. Similar question.. Then what happened? I forgot the answer!! Gave some crap about temperature and pressure when I was supposed to be talking about intermolecular forces.. *bangs head on wall*..
After that, stayed back to do pw.. I ABHOR PW!!!! PW SUX!! Kz.. whatever.. Had to do the report draft and hand it up by tomorrow.. And mine was like the dryest topic to write on.. Hotel ratings and how useful and reliable is the rating system.. Was doing with sijia.. she's doing the second part of it.. What interesting and fun lives we have huh.. How fun pw is! It just challenges our bursting information-overloaded heads with creative, funky ideas! Oh, how we love to change the way things work to benefit the society with wonderful school projects!
Singapore idol rox manz!!! Support joanne dong!! Haha, she looked so auntie in the 1st round but now she's super chio.. And she hasn't even dressed to impress yet.. All she did was get out of her polka dots.. Heheh, and my grandma likes christopher (lee or lim?) cuz he looks cute.. *trying to stop myself from bursting out in laughter*.. MWAHAHAHA!!!! It's just weird that my grandma find's him cute.. I mean like.. first it was daniel radciffe.. Now he's next.. And she just doesn't look like she goes for these type of guys lah.. Tom felton WAS better looking that daniel.. Heh.. Heyz, noticed I know lotsa joanne's in my life.. Haha, and jo know lotsa shiqis (my chi name) in her life.. Interesting.. Let's use chi-square on this and see how much chance this is coincidental.. Heheh, too much bio.. Not that I can find values to to substitute in..
Was watching olympics.. And realised that.. in any game, it's important to see the beauty in what you're doing and just go with the flow. It doesn't really matter whether the opponent is confident or not. Just play your best. And it doesn't help to think about the end result of the game when you're playing it either. Cuz if there's no focus on the process of the game, it's pointless to carry on. The end can't come without the process.. The skill may be there, but.. without that internal preparedness and readiness, the mind would never let the body execute the moves. That came from susilo's game.. When it was his service, he didn't hit the shuttlecock properly on the first hit 3 times.. It's not that he couldn't.. He was just nervous. And that spoilt everything. The higher one goes, the more expectations of others one has to carry.. And to think of that, to just let it linger.. That's when it causes people's downfall. Heh.. think I realised this too late.. Well, not too late for next year though!
After that, stayed back to do pw.. I ABHOR PW!!!! PW SUX!! Kz.. whatever.. Had to do the report draft and hand it up by tomorrow.. And mine was like the dryest topic to write on.. Hotel ratings and how useful and reliable is the rating system.. Was doing with sijia.. she's doing the second part of it.. What interesting and fun lives we have huh.. How fun pw is! It just challenges our bursting information-overloaded heads with creative, funky ideas! Oh, how we love to change the way things work to benefit the society with wonderful school projects!
Singapore idol rox manz!!! Support joanne dong!! Haha, she looked so auntie in the 1st round but now she's super chio.. And she hasn't even dressed to impress yet.. All she did was get out of her polka dots.. Heheh, and my grandma likes christopher (lee or lim?) cuz he looks cute.. *trying to stop myself from bursting out in laughter*.. MWAHAHAHA!!!! It's just weird that my grandma find's him cute.. I mean like.. first it was daniel radciffe.. Now he's next.. And she just doesn't look like she goes for these type of guys lah.. Tom felton WAS better looking that daniel.. Heh.. Heyz, noticed I know lotsa joanne's in my life.. Haha, and jo know lotsa shiqis (my chi name) in her life.. Interesting.. Let's use chi-square on this and see how much chance this is coincidental.. Heheh, too much bio.. Not that I can find values to to substitute in..
Was watching olympics.. And realised that.. in any game, it's important to see the beauty in what you're doing and just go with the flow. It doesn't really matter whether the opponent is confident or not. Just play your best. And it doesn't help to think about the end result of the game when you're playing it either. Cuz if there's no focus on the process of the game, it's pointless to carry on. The end can't come without the process.. The skill may be there, but.. without that internal preparedness and readiness, the mind would never let the body execute the moves. That came from susilo's game.. When it was his service, he didn't hit the shuttlecock properly on the first hit 3 times.. It's not that he couldn't.. He was just nervous. And that spoilt everything. The higher one goes, the more expectations of others one has to carry.. And to think of that, to just let it linger.. That's when it causes people's downfall. Heh.. think I realised this too late.. Well, not too late for next year though!
Ouch. Didn't expect that to happen. Ok, maybe I did.. In fact, I was told long ago. But I just continued hoping it wasn't true. Cuz, there were always little chances that.. it wouldn't end up this way. It's weird I guess.. After I saw that, I suddenly see u in new light.. Things are different now. Things probably were.. But now it's much more. Whatever it is.. do me a favour and keep yourself happy.. Then I'll be happy too. Happy birthday.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Just feeling damn guilty.. Can't stop thinking of it.. I shouldn't have said so much. Think that it would somehow spread. And it's all because of me.. Wasn't supposed to say anything. Not that anyone told me not to.. But now, looking back, I guess it's cuz it was expected of us not to let it out.. I'm really sorry.
Saturday
Went for the chess tourney at tp safra.. Thought it was going to be a totally dreadful day.. as usual.. Which is the case when there's this sinking feeling when joining all these competitions.. Actually it was quite.. The results were just.. *shudder*.. But with that aside, surprisingly, I felt so at home. It was like seeing all the familiar faces again (except for a few exceptional cases that grew extra scrawny) and being in the same competition again. Just that now, things are different.
Thought it would be awkward to hang around with the cj people.. It was like I only knew a few in team A.. Then I'm in team B and I didn't even know anyone in my team. Until now I still can't spell their names right.. Which was so paiseh lah cuz everytime I was writing in their names for the people playing in the team, I had to keep on passing the list down to them so that they write it in themselves. But actually they were quite nice.. Haha, all nice and on the quiet side.. Feel so uncomfortable with extroverts..
Kz, can't remember what happened that day.. (it's 19/8 now).. Heheh, but was like.. in between every game we were playing taiti.. Guess who's influence this time.. Heez.. So not used to this.. Interesting change though.. In ij we always practise and practise and practise some more to make sure that we don't screw up the next game.. but now.. Then when they saw that I brought a board to practise, everyone thought I was nuts cuz chess is meant to be thought out, not memorised.. Heh.. if only.. Then I won't have crammed so many theories in my almost going-to-crack head already..
Yea.. Lost every game!!! Grrz!! I can't stand this.. This has never ever ever happened before.. Except for sec1 but.. still.. Can't take it.. I'm so gonna practise like crazy. When the promos are over.. Can't believe my standard dropped so much. Yea, knew I was rusty lah.. but not to this extent!! Other people who were rusty could still win!! Let my team down.. Then my rating probably will flunctuate like nobody's business also.. And I'll get that disappointed look from mr tu again.. Noooooo... So of course.. didn't get anything.. All our points were from like walkovers and byes.. At least team1 did better..
Horrible, then everyone zaoed early also.. nobody from cj stayed to watch prize presentation except me.. Isn't it sad.. It's like every prize presentation, only the winners and a few others (me!!! haha..) stay to celebrate for themselves.. It's like throwing your own birthday party and celebrating it yourself.. But yea, ij won!! Hee, as usual.. Never fail to win!!
Had to go for dinner with this obnoxious lady.. One of my mum's friends.. Treats everyone like her maid and treats her maid like a dog.. Doesn't care about anyone.. Stupid woman.. Kept on talking and talking and talking.. And she didn't realise that we couldn't start eating before her cuz she was the guest. The food was all in front of us already!! But couldn't eat!! And it was going to be 8.. Then her children were busy gobbling down some kfc they brought into crystal jade.. ?!!.. And when we were done eating and paid up, what did she do? Talk more!!! There was a large queue waiting to sit in the restaurant.. We were done with the table empty.. I suggested we go.. But she chided me and said that children should not talk unless spoken to.. What an idiot!! People are waiting outside!! Inconsiderate, rude woman.. And I'm am so not a child!! I have my own opinions and I'm going to say them whether she likes it or not.. Grrrrrrrz!!!!
Saturday
Went for the chess tourney at tp safra.. Thought it was going to be a totally dreadful day.. as usual.. Which is the case when there's this sinking feeling when joining all these competitions.. Actually it was quite.. The results were just.. *shudder*.. But with that aside, surprisingly, I felt so at home. It was like seeing all the familiar faces again (except for a few exceptional cases that grew extra scrawny) and being in the same competition again. Just that now, things are different.
Thought it would be awkward to hang around with the cj people.. It was like I only knew a few in team A.. Then I'm in team B and I didn't even know anyone in my team. Until now I still can't spell their names right.. Which was so paiseh lah cuz everytime I was writing in their names for the people playing in the team, I had to keep on passing the list down to them so that they write it in themselves. But actually they were quite nice.. Haha, all nice and on the quiet side.. Feel so uncomfortable with extroverts..
Kz, can't remember what happened that day.. (it's 19/8 now).. Heheh, but was like.. in between every game we were playing taiti.. Guess who's influence this time.. Heez.. So not used to this.. Interesting change though.. In ij we always practise and practise and practise some more to make sure that we don't screw up the next game.. but now.. Then when they saw that I brought a board to practise, everyone thought I was nuts cuz chess is meant to be thought out, not memorised.. Heh.. if only.. Then I won't have crammed so many theories in my almost going-to-crack head already..
Yea.. Lost every game!!! Grrz!! I can't stand this.. This has never ever ever happened before.. Except for sec1 but.. still.. Can't take it.. I'm so gonna practise like crazy. When the promos are over.. Can't believe my standard dropped so much. Yea, knew I was rusty lah.. but not to this extent!! Other people who were rusty could still win!! Let my team down.. Then my rating probably will flunctuate like nobody's business also.. And I'll get that disappointed look from mr tu again.. Noooooo... So of course.. didn't get anything.. All our points were from like walkovers and byes.. At least team1 did better..
Horrible, then everyone zaoed early also.. nobody from cj stayed to watch prize presentation except me.. Isn't it sad.. It's like every prize presentation, only the winners and a few others (me!!! haha..) stay to celebrate for themselves.. It's like throwing your own birthday party and celebrating it yourself.. But yea, ij won!! Hee, as usual.. Never fail to win!!
Had to go for dinner with this obnoxious lady.. One of my mum's friends.. Treats everyone like her maid and treats her maid like a dog.. Doesn't care about anyone.. Stupid woman.. Kept on talking and talking and talking.. And she didn't realise that we couldn't start eating before her cuz she was the guest. The food was all in front of us already!! But couldn't eat!! And it was going to be 8.. Then her children were busy gobbling down some kfc they brought into crystal jade.. ?!!.. And when we were done eating and paid up, what did she do? Talk more!!! There was a large queue waiting to sit in the restaurant.. We were done with the table empty.. I suggested we go.. But she chided me and said that children should not talk unless spoken to.. What an idiot!! People are waiting outside!! Inconsiderate, rude woman.. And I'm am so not a child!! I have my own opinions and I'm going to say them whether she likes it or not.. Grrrrrrrz!!!!
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Came home at 12.15am!! Haha, this is the latest time I came home.. Surprisingly my grandma was ok with it this time.. Heeheez!! Think she's getting used to the idea that I won't be kidnapped if I come late.. At last.. Yea, but I'm grateful that there's actually someone who's worried.. Cuz it shows that she cares and I appreciate that.
Went to see the fireworks at the esplanade with the bballers.. Was soooo nice!!!! Was supposed to meet at marina bay for dinner.. Cuz we thought the fireworks were there.. All the newspaper's fault lah.. Say fireworks at marina but didn't say marina bay or marina square.. So was supposed to meet at 4.30 there. And after learning my countless lessons from going somewhere late when meeting people and getting one long nagging, I decided to go on time.. Then when I reached, there was no one there.. Went outside the station to explore a bit, found out that the place was horribly ulu and only had one bus stop!! Didn't seem possible to see any fireworks there.. So panicked and msged jasmine.. By the time she came, it was already 4.50.. Hahaz, she was so fed up cuz she knew that most of them come late so she purposely came late yet, she was the 2nd earliest.. After joyce came and jasmine talked to one whole bunch of people, we realised we were really at the wrong station..
Went to city hall to meet angela.. Was so crowded kz.. Felt like tuna.. Everywhere people squeeze here and there.. Then we were looking at each others phones and checking out the photo galleries.. After angela came, we went to marina square to meet leonard, robin and one more bballer ( have problem remembering chinese names) at cavena.. The food was super fatty!! Everything had some type of deep fried skin that couldn't be removed..
Arrived at the esplanade 1hr early. Supposed to meet nerissa and deborah there but ner was lost somewhere in the crowd and deb was enjoying herself in sentosa.. Sat down in the middle of some walkway and played taiti.. My cards are horrible!! Always lose.. Was soooo boring.. Waited and waited and waited.. And of course, the fireworks started very late.. So we were playing with jasmine's camera.. leonard kept on wanting to be taken.. Haha, but all his shots his eyes were closed.. So kept on taking and taking until he almost went blind.. Then still didn't have a single one with his eyes open.. Somemore still ask whether he looks cool or not.. Couldn't stop laughing..
At last when the fireworks started, joyce was so cute.. Kept on screaming and screaming cuz she loved the fireworks so much. Haha, then some of them were recording the fireworks so can see the fireworks but instead of the loud boom sound it made, can only hear joyce's screaming.. Was so pretty!! Love the ones that go in spirals and the ones that burst out in small golden glitters. But after all that waiting, it was only like 3mins of fireworks.. Hmmz, worth it lahz..
After that was supposed to see some performance by 5566, energy and some other people live.. And it was free!! So we walked all the way to the other end of the esplanade area.. With all the guys grumbling at the back.. Aiyoz, was so crowded.. Couldn't get near the stage at all.. But guess that was expected.. I mean, yea, it's free.. And also hardly could see the screen above the stage where they were performing.. Haha, jasmine so farnie.. Kept on jumping up and down non-stop to catch a glimpse of the screen.. Looked like extra bball training to me.. Don't know how she can jump so much for so long without feeling tired.. Heh, left like 5mins after that.. Gave up trying to see what was going on..
Decided to go to town for supper.. The guys left to go to happy hour or some place like that.. So the rest of us went cineleisure to bk.. Had coupons!! Heez.. the pies there are guuuud!! jasmine left first so angela, joyce and me went to the arcade.. Haha, didn't know they so enthu about going arcade.. Usually when I ask people, no one seems to want to go.. So went to play ddr (of course!) and parapara!!! Yay!!! First time I played.. Haiz, so deprived, came out such a long time ago but only now then try.. Was playing so retardedly.. cuz I was so stiff so all the moves totally no style one.. But at least didn't fail anything.. Which is good lah I guess.. Heheh, they both also don't know how to play so we were coming up with nonsense moves to win the game.. Actually joyce's moves were quite flowy and cool!! First time and can do something like that.. Impressive manz!! Then we forced angela to play.. She kept on saying that she'd embarrass herself.. Haha, actually she was also very stiff but she was super accurate!! Even the hard, fast ones also can get.. Wanted to go kbox too but didn't know how to sing the songs.. All in chinese.. Heheh.. Nvm, angela promised to teach me the next time.. *grinz*
Feeling in such an appreciative mood now.. Realise that there are so many people that I can count on and so many people who'll always be there when I need them.. So thanks peepz!! Cuz of you all, I have reason to wake up everyday feeling great!!
Went to see the fireworks at the esplanade with the bballers.. Was soooo nice!!!! Was supposed to meet at marina bay for dinner.. Cuz we thought the fireworks were there.. All the newspaper's fault lah.. Say fireworks at marina but didn't say marina bay or marina square.. So was supposed to meet at 4.30 there. And after learning my countless lessons from going somewhere late when meeting people and getting one long nagging, I decided to go on time.. Then when I reached, there was no one there.. Went outside the station to explore a bit, found out that the place was horribly ulu and only had one bus stop!! Didn't seem possible to see any fireworks there.. So panicked and msged jasmine.. By the time she came, it was already 4.50.. Hahaz, she was so fed up cuz she knew that most of them come late so she purposely came late yet, she was the 2nd earliest.. After joyce came and jasmine talked to one whole bunch of people, we realised we were really at the wrong station..
Went to city hall to meet angela.. Was so crowded kz.. Felt like tuna.. Everywhere people squeeze here and there.. Then we were looking at each others phones and checking out the photo galleries.. After angela came, we went to marina square to meet leonard, robin and one more bballer ( have problem remembering chinese names) at cavena.. The food was super fatty!! Everything had some type of deep fried skin that couldn't be removed..
Arrived at the esplanade 1hr early. Supposed to meet nerissa and deborah there but ner was lost somewhere in the crowd and deb was enjoying herself in sentosa.. Sat down in the middle of some walkway and played taiti.. My cards are horrible!! Always lose.. Was soooo boring.. Waited and waited and waited.. And of course, the fireworks started very late.. So we were playing with jasmine's camera.. leonard kept on wanting to be taken.. Haha, but all his shots his eyes were closed.. So kept on taking and taking until he almost went blind.. Then still didn't have a single one with his eyes open.. Somemore still ask whether he looks cool or not.. Couldn't stop laughing..
At last when the fireworks started, joyce was so cute.. Kept on screaming and screaming cuz she loved the fireworks so much. Haha, then some of them were recording the fireworks so can see the fireworks but instead of the loud boom sound it made, can only hear joyce's screaming.. Was so pretty!! Love the ones that go in spirals and the ones that burst out in small golden glitters. But after all that waiting, it was only like 3mins of fireworks.. Hmmz, worth it lahz..
After that was supposed to see some performance by 5566, energy and some other people live.. And it was free!! So we walked all the way to the other end of the esplanade area.. With all the guys grumbling at the back.. Aiyoz, was so crowded.. Couldn't get near the stage at all.. But guess that was expected.. I mean, yea, it's free.. And also hardly could see the screen above the stage where they were performing.. Haha, jasmine so farnie.. Kept on jumping up and down non-stop to catch a glimpse of the screen.. Looked like extra bball training to me.. Don't know how she can jump so much for so long without feeling tired.. Heh, left like 5mins after that.. Gave up trying to see what was going on..
Decided to go to town for supper.. The guys left to go to happy hour or some place like that.. So the rest of us went cineleisure to bk.. Had coupons!! Heez.. the pies there are guuuud!! jasmine left first so angela, joyce and me went to the arcade.. Haha, didn't know they so enthu about going arcade.. Usually when I ask people, no one seems to want to go.. So went to play ddr (of course!) and parapara!!! Yay!!! First time I played.. Haiz, so deprived, came out such a long time ago but only now then try.. Was playing so retardedly.. cuz I was so stiff so all the moves totally no style one.. But at least didn't fail anything.. Which is good lah I guess.. Heheh, they both also don't know how to play so we were coming up with nonsense moves to win the game.. Actually joyce's moves were quite flowy and cool!! First time and can do something like that.. Impressive manz!! Then we forced angela to play.. She kept on saying that she'd embarrass herself.. Haha, actually she was also very stiff but she was super accurate!! Even the hard, fast ones also can get.. Wanted to go kbox too but didn't know how to sing the songs.. All in chinese.. Heheh.. Nvm, angela promised to teach me the next time.. *grinz*
Feeling in such an appreciative mood now.. Realise that there are so many people that I can count on and so many people who'll always be there when I need them.. So thanks peepz!! Cuz of you all, I have reason to wake up everyday feeling great!!
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Not doing anything right today. Can't play chess properly, can't play badminton properly, can't play bball.. Getting so irritated with myself. Can't even live up to my own expectations..
Walked to Alex's house to return her her book. My gosh, she's like living next to cj!! 2 mins already can reach there.. And she still don't want to come.. Felt a bit bad.. She let me in to see her house then was saying she wanted to play chess after she ate.. So she was telling me can play piano first for fun.. Then I asked her if she had any piano books.. Didn't think it would be much of a problem cuz usually piano books are always near the piano.. But in her case, they were somewhere in her father's room.. So when she was halfway through breakfast, she ran upstairs, ransacked her father's room for piano books then kind of made her older sister look for piano books so that I could play.. I was like.. "nvm nvm it's ok.. don't have to look for it.." But think she didn't hear.. Argh.. Malu.. Gave her so much trouble.. After that, played chess with her and lost to her twice!! Was playing so horribly!! Free piece here, loose piece there.. If I'm going to play like that for the team, I'll be the cause of the team's downfall.. This is not good.. Must practise more!!!! It's only one week away!! ~Pressure~
Just slept the rest of the day away.. Then dragged myself to exercise.. Played badminton with my brother.. Couldn't hit the shuttlecock properly.. Even the nice easy-to-hit ones, I couldn't get.. Was already fuming inside then he started using tons of vulgarities.. So I can't hit it properly.. Don't have to curse and swear right? Bball just as bad. Not a single far shot one got in!! Not one.. after don't know how many tries..
Losing my sense of self.
I'm just so fake and pretentious.
I hate such people.
Therefore, I hate myself.
Is it better to keep quiet?
Or to say something for the sake of not being anti-social?
Don't like silence.
It's awkward.
But I can't say anything either.
It's not genuine.
Just want to be left alone for a while.
It feels nice to sink into the depths of melancholy.
Alone.
No more obligations.
No more responsibilities.
Just momentarily peace.
Friday
Had national day celebrations!! Hee, was so fun!! Went early in the morning to join cac choir and meeeeelia. Saw aud and sarah there!!! Yayz!! With all the legion people!! Love hanging out with the legion people.. They're always so optimistic and jolly.. Hahaz.. Then so many people I knew also singing.. daisy, terri, justina.. And got whacked so many times!! First, I kind of told daisy that I don't go to church then got whacked.. After that, got whacked by her again.. forgot why but was something about doing something un-religious.. Wah, didn't know she was so steadfast in faith.. Then told aud that I got whacked then she and sarah started whacking me!!
Then had this charity walkathon. Don't know what for though.. Didn't seem charitable.. The only thing we did to help the children for the milk (Mainly I Love Kids) fund was to collect donations. And I was so guilty that I didn't ask people to donate so I went to donate $50.. Only after I found out that practically everyone else also didn't ask people to donate.. -_-.. Thought we were walking up dyson rd.. But in the end we took some other route so didn't walk past my house.. Half wanted to run back home but there was this teacher at the turn.. So sad!! Was walking with sijia.. Didn't know where the rest of the class went.. Heez, so wanted to go back to find them then can walk together as a class.. Then sijia was saying that it was nicer to walk two people.. Haha, so the whole way we were debating whether to go back or to walk alone.. By the time we walked back to cj, we were still debating.. heh.. Kind of defeated the purpose already.. After that was the mini parade.. So nice!!! Was super cool!! Hee, and our class was swaying to the national day songs.. due to charmaine's influence.
Went out for lunch after that.. Was supposed to go out with one whole bunch of t33 people.. But then.. Due to unforeseen circumstances.. Only had four people left.. So went out with zhongxun, meiling and cheeseng to orchard seoul's garden cuz zhongxun had a nice voucher.. But then when we reached there.. My gosh.. Was so packed.. One loooong queue.. After half and hour, we were looked inside and we were quite happy to see some empty tables.. But then, this chinese tour group came, didn't even bother queueing and occupied all of it.. Argh!! Felt so cheated.. Here we were waiting for ages and they get to go in just like that!! Going to sign up for the next chinese tour group.. hmph.. So in the end went to yoshinoya to eat..
Then visited my juniors!! Heez, everybody was practising so hard for the team.. Then was playing with angie.. And kept on giving free pieces!!! *zhuangz tou* But good, can see everyone improving.. And the sec1s are so enthu.. Gdgd.. Go ij!!Heheh, must win again this year!!
Walked to Alex's house to return her her book. My gosh, she's like living next to cj!! 2 mins already can reach there.. And she still don't want to come.. Felt a bit bad.. She let me in to see her house then was saying she wanted to play chess after she ate.. So she was telling me can play piano first for fun.. Then I asked her if she had any piano books.. Didn't think it would be much of a problem cuz usually piano books are always near the piano.. But in her case, they were somewhere in her father's room.. So when she was halfway through breakfast, she ran upstairs, ransacked her father's room for piano books then kind of made her older sister look for piano books so that I could play.. I was like.. "nvm nvm it's ok.. don't have to look for it.." But think she didn't hear.. Argh.. Malu.. Gave her so much trouble.. After that, played chess with her and lost to her twice!! Was playing so horribly!! Free piece here, loose piece there.. If I'm going to play like that for the team, I'll be the cause of the team's downfall.. This is not good.. Must practise more!!!! It's only one week away!! ~Pressure~
Just slept the rest of the day away.. Then dragged myself to exercise.. Played badminton with my brother.. Couldn't hit the shuttlecock properly.. Even the nice easy-to-hit ones, I couldn't get.. Was already fuming inside then he started using tons of vulgarities.. So I can't hit it properly.. Don't have to curse and swear right? Bball just as bad. Not a single far shot one got in!! Not one.. after don't know how many tries..
Losing my sense of self.
I'm just so fake and pretentious.
I hate such people.
Therefore, I hate myself.
Is it better to keep quiet?
Or to say something for the sake of not being anti-social?
Don't like silence.
It's awkward.
But I can't say anything either.
It's not genuine.
Just want to be left alone for a while.
It feels nice to sink into the depths of melancholy.
Alone.
No more obligations.
No more responsibilities.
Just momentarily peace.
Friday
Had national day celebrations!! Hee, was so fun!! Went early in the morning to join cac choir and meeeeelia. Saw aud and sarah there!!! Yayz!! With all the legion people!! Love hanging out with the legion people.. They're always so optimistic and jolly.. Hahaz.. Then so many people I knew also singing.. daisy, terri, justina.. And got whacked so many times!! First, I kind of told daisy that I don't go to church then got whacked.. After that, got whacked by her again.. forgot why but was something about doing something un-religious.. Wah, didn't know she was so steadfast in faith.. Then told aud that I got whacked then she and sarah started whacking me!!
Then had this charity walkathon. Don't know what for though.. Didn't seem charitable.. The only thing we did to help the children for the milk (Mainly I Love Kids) fund was to collect donations. And I was so guilty that I didn't ask people to donate so I went to donate $50.. Only after I found out that practically everyone else also didn't ask people to donate.. -_-.. Thought we were walking up dyson rd.. But in the end we took some other route so didn't walk past my house.. Half wanted to run back home but there was this teacher at the turn.. So sad!! Was walking with sijia.. Didn't know where the rest of the class went.. Heez, so wanted to go back to find them then can walk together as a class.. Then sijia was saying that it was nicer to walk two people.. Haha, so the whole way we were debating whether to go back or to walk alone.. By the time we walked back to cj, we were still debating.. heh.. Kind of defeated the purpose already.. After that was the mini parade.. So nice!!! Was super cool!! Hee, and our class was swaying to the national day songs.. due to charmaine's influence.
Went out for lunch after that.. Was supposed to go out with one whole bunch of t33 people.. But then.. Due to unforeseen circumstances.. Only had four people left.. So went out with zhongxun, meiling and cheeseng to orchard seoul's garden cuz zhongxun had a nice voucher.. But then when we reached there.. My gosh.. Was so packed.. One loooong queue.. After half and hour, we were looked inside and we were quite happy to see some empty tables.. But then, this chinese tour group came, didn't even bother queueing and occupied all of it.. Argh!! Felt so cheated.. Here we were waiting for ages and they get to go in just like that!! Going to sign up for the next chinese tour group.. hmph.. So in the end went to yoshinoya to eat..
Then visited my juniors!! Heez, everybody was practising so hard for the team.. Then was playing with angie.. And kept on giving free pieces!!! *zhuangz tou* But good, can see everyone improving.. And the sec1s are so enthu.. Gdgd.. Go ij!!Heheh, must win again this year!!
Thursday, August 05, 2004
I am soooo muggy!!!! Manz what's wrong with me???? There's like test after test after test.. Argh!!! Wanted to blog everyday but now have to cut down to about every week.. And now even though I'm sleeping later to mug a bit and do stuff, I still can't finish my homework!! Grrz!! And I'm supposed to be doing survey analysis now but my microsoft excel has gone berserk!! Was such a super looong day.. Only thing I actually remember is maths.. haha.. surprisingly.. since mr ho ( got his name right this time!!) was lecturing and read everything off the slide.. Yay, and got off gp remedial!! Heheh, was so happy cuz I didn't bother doing my aq.. And knowing ms ting, it'll probably be another screaming session.. Mind as well make better use of the time and play taiti instead..
National celebrations tomorrow!! Heheh, no wait.. it's later today.. Yay.. Horrible jiacheng lah.. got two days mc.. only came for one official school day this week.. (wed was mock exam day) Heez, but it's something to look forward to.. I'm going to join the cac choir to sing for mass!!! Just for fun.. Mwahaha.. this is so.. weird!! Have to get up so early cuz have to reach school by 6.50.. Wait I sing out of tune.. then the whole choir would sound horrible because of me.. Then the hymns would sound off-key.. then I m make the whole choir look bad.. then.. Kz, I worry too much.. After that is the celebrations.. yay!! Get to see alvin somersault!! Mwahaha.. Next is the walkathon.. Think they're going along dyson rd.. *evil grinz* Hmmz, if I'm lucky enough, can smuggle the whole class to my house then we have more than enough people to play bball!! *even wider eviller grin* Then going to visit juniors after that!! Wanna see everyone again!! Heheh, and copy chess notes.. Haiz, still a bit not gan yuan leh.. team 2 reserve.. makes it look like I'm the worst player of all.. K lah, at least managed to get in.. So must play the best I can!!
Being alone..
Its scary that..
We go through everything alone..
Yea, people do support you and are there for you..
But..
Everything you do..
Every choice that you make..
Is yours and yours alone..
No one can fully understand another's experiences..
No matter how much you try to describe..
In fact..
Does one even fully know about oneself?
I don't..
Why is it that I want to be alone though I dread loneliness?
Why is it that when I am alone, I want others to be there?
Is that selfishness?
Or taking others for granted?
The grass is always greener on the other pasture..
So there is never a pasture one can be satisfied with..
I hate it..
Makes me feel so guilty..
The silence now..
It's so blaring..
~I wanted to say yes.. But.. I was afraid of the consequences if I gave an answer.. Sorry.~
National celebrations tomorrow!! Heheh, no wait.. it's later today.. Yay.. Horrible jiacheng lah.. got two days mc.. only came for one official school day this week.. (wed was mock exam day) Heez, but it's something to look forward to.. I'm going to join the cac choir to sing for mass!!! Just for fun.. Mwahaha.. this is so.. weird!! Have to get up so early cuz have to reach school by 6.50.. Wait I sing out of tune.. then the whole choir would sound horrible because of me.. Then the hymns would sound off-key.. then I m make the whole choir look bad.. then.. Kz, I worry too much.. After that is the celebrations.. yay!! Get to see alvin somersault!! Mwahaha.. Next is the walkathon.. Think they're going along dyson rd.. *evil grinz* Hmmz, if I'm lucky enough, can smuggle the whole class to my house then we have more than enough people to play bball!! *even wider eviller grin* Then going to visit juniors after that!! Wanna see everyone again!! Heheh, and copy chess notes.. Haiz, still a bit not gan yuan leh.. team 2 reserve.. makes it look like I'm the worst player of all.. K lah, at least managed to get in.. So must play the best I can!!
Being alone..
Its scary that..
We go through everything alone..
Yea, people do support you and are there for you..
But..
Everything you do..
Every choice that you make..
Is yours and yours alone..
No one can fully understand another's experiences..
No matter how much you try to describe..
In fact..
Does one even fully know about oneself?
I don't..
Why is it that I want to be alone though I dread loneliness?
Why is it that when I am alone, I want others to be there?
Is that selfishness?
Or taking others for granted?
The grass is always greener on the other pasture..
So there is never a pasture one can be satisfied with..
I hate it..
Makes me feel so guilty..
The silence now..
It's so blaring..
~I wanted to say yes.. But.. I was afraid of the consequences if I gave an answer.. Sorry.~